Finding the Speakeasy, and Beyond

I am here, sipping on my dad’s homemade chicken matzoball soup, staring at the cursor blinking on a white page.

I am ready with my writing topic of choice – it sounded amazing in my head as I crawled into bed last night!

But now this morning, I realize I don’t know what I want to say, or how to make it meaningful to you.

And suddenly – as so often happens when I’m in the middle of drawing a map that has no particular destination in mind – the threads come together and I realize that the exact challenge I’m facing is the topic that I had planned to write about.

Why do we need other people?

This idea has been on my mind a lot lately – my executive coaching work has it tugging at my brain.

Because, one way I know I’ve had a really transformational session is when the person I’m coaching says to me, “Huh. I don’t know why I needed you to figure that out.”

And, well, there are a lot of reasons we need other people, and given that all of life is a spectrum, these reasons and intensities vary based on temperament, circumstances, and past experiences.

But there’s an element that remains regardless of the components – insights don’t appear because we think harder, they show up because we think differently.

And it’s very hard to think differently alone, without someone there to safely challenge you.

Oh, a challenge, you say? Well, let’s go!

What might thinking differently look like for you?

As much as we hate to admit it, we humans often struggle to see the frame from within which we sit. When dealing with a difficult situation, we typically form opinions and strategies based on our own assumptions, stories, and blind spots.

All of these elements – whatever names you want to give them – they make up our own personal versions of reality. But in fact, reality is fluid, and the elements that live in our brains are closer to perspective than possibilities.

It’s not that we lack access to the full range of available options, it’s just that sometimes we struggle to find the Speakeasy door without someone by our side holding up a flashlight. In the same way, a skilled coach is able to shine the light on a given situation from a different angle, to gently disrupt a default way of viewing life, to ask thoughtful questions that land us outside a specific habitual thinking loop.

Listen – our brains are made for survival. Survival requires tried and true methods of recycling through familiar narratives (we learn from experience), avoiding cognitive discomfort (our brains crave patterns), and protecting our identity and ego (why are we so fragile?). And if survival is what you are looking for, you can stop reading, because I can’t help you with that and sorry, it sounds boring.

But I’m not looking to just survive, and I don’t think you are, either.

For those of us who want to live beyond the basics, we need something that exists outside of ourselves, outside of our delicate identities and egos.

Any parent knows just how much a child is able to achieve when their nervous system is out of whack – nothing.

And adults aren’t any different – we just have more words and experiences to reference. In this way, we can all benefit from an external third party who can help us regulate our own nervous systems, create containers where we can safely explore ambiguity, and act as pace-setters to someone moving too fast or too slow to effectively flourish beyond survival.

Because yes, we need someone to help us get into hidden spaces, but what happens once we are through the door? We feel the possibilities, we smell the aroma, we see the dry ice smoking from behind the bar and hovering above fancy cocktails.

Coaching doesn’t end when you walk into a new room, unless you are just searching for a place to hide. And we aren’t just looking for a night on the town at the local Speakeasy. No, we are looking for new opportunities, new ventures, new solutions that we never would have considered on the other side of that door.

You’ve earned your seat at the table. Is your goal to sit at that table, surviving?

Or is your goal to bring color to that table, manifest vibrancy, create new ideas, and shine light over what you see, to transform it into diamonds, to make your own sunshine?

I think you understand this. In fact, I think that you likely feel things that you cannot name. The intuition is there. But sometimes we require speaking it out loud to thread the pieces together. And then we require accountability to make sure the knot doesn’t fray.

You are through the door. You are at the table. You feel the vibe.

But you can’t quite tie that thread – you still need connection, another human.

Someone who can reflect your language back to you in a way that makes you hear your own words differently.

Someone who can offer metaphors, distinctions, and reframes (why poetry is so meaningful).

Someone who can help you diffuse your unique temperament, circumstances, and experiences into coherent meaning.

Someone who can co-create tools to keep you accountable to these discoveries being more than just words, and the results being more than just survival.

The truth is, you need me. And I also need you. We need each other.

I’d love to help you find your Speakeasy. Or to sit at the table with you and enjoy some homemade soup. To be honest, I’m not a big drinker.

We are all different.

If you need help celebrating this fact, let’s talk.

Learn more about my women’s coaching cohort at www.wisethreadcollective.com

©Rachel Nasatka. All rights reserved. You can’t have her she’s mine.